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Don’t forget – the contest will last between Monday the 25th through Friday the 29th.

I went out on a great date with a guy on Saturday… great chemistry, laughed the whole time, even missed the movie because we were enjoying each other’s company so much. We walked around downtown Spokane, enjoying the weather and the night. Right before we parted ways, he said he’d call me.

Then… the next day he suddenly decided that there was “no connection.” He complimented me on everything under the sun, and said I’m a great mother and that my boys are lucky to have me, but he just didn’t see a future there.

????????????

I’m reasonably attractive. I’m nice. I’m funny. I’m a good person. I care about myself. I work hard. I am honest. Direct. Caring. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a bag lady, either.

And I’m still single.

I am not wallowing… I’m just curious. What is it, exactly, that makes children so scary to guys? Why would they burn so hot, then turn so cold?

Again, I’m swearing off dating for awhile. I need to detox my head from all the rejection, and the frustration. I am going to take the opportunity to build myself up instead of tear myself apart about this. Finishing the office re-model, work on school, maybe even get my washer fixed and a new vacuum. I lead an exciting life.

When Shakespeare said, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” he was absolutely, certainly correct. However, he didn’t take into account how I loved, how I lost, and in spite of it all, was so incredibly glad that it happened, and even for how it happened. I am not a masochist, I am just thankful for the good, and have learned – albeit the hard way, from the bad.

She was so excited to see his face that she could barely sit on the bleachers. Who could sit still at a time like this? She had pictured him dying so many times in her mind, that his return was absolutely surreal. The crowd was electric. Every time a bus went by, people began to walk to the open doors hoping that it was THE bus. Our guys. But, we waited for NINE hours. By the end of that time, we were all in a frenzy. They had already been delayed by five days, what was the hold-up now? What could possibly be as important as continuing with the rest of our lives? We were all jumpy with anticipation. I spent my time talking to Max’s best friend’s parents. They had driven out from Texas to welcome their son home and to accompany their new daughter-in-law at the re-deployment ceremony. Their other son, Chase, had just deployed to Iraq with the Navy. The service life was one whose sacrifices they were deeply familiar with. Just then, their phone rang. His dad went outside to take the call. We continued to chit-chat and pass the time away as our rear ends began to go numb from all the bleacher time. It was utterly exhausting. We had been told to stay in the bleachers “just in case” the guys came before their 9:00 arrival time. It was now four o’clock in the afternoon, and it was clear that no one was going to catch us by surprise. The entire base was on the look-out for the infamous bus.

When Chase’s dad came back into the room, he was pale and puffy eyed. Something was horribly wrong.

“What happened? Is everything ok? Are they not coming after all?”

“My father just dii-iii-ed-dd……” he said in a controlled, muffled sob.

We all stood frozen in place as he broke down. No one was prepared for this.

Just then, we heard the crowd moving around us, and the people began to gather by the door. Something else was going on, though it took us longer in our compromised state to be able to identify what was happening.

The buses were pulling up. The guys were home.

None of us quite knew what to do with this new and painful situation. It was hard enough just getting a chance to speak with them in person for the first time in almost a year, but now, Chase was faced with the death of his grandfather as well.

“EVERONE…. SIT DOWN IN YOUR PLACES. OUR WARRIORS ARE HOME. WE NEED YOU TO RETURN TO YOUR SEATS SO THAT THEY CAN ENTER THE GYM AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE,” someone said over the loudspeaker as we quietly discussed among ourselves what to do with the newfound information. Chase would be able to see that his dad was visibly upset. Would he be able to conceal it long enough so they could celebrate his return as a family before his heart would be broken by the news?

Then, the familiar screeching of bus brakes interrupted our plans. Each small, commonplace sound was amplified from that moment on. Even our heartbeats. The hush that fell over the crowd was unchangeable. We all had anticipated this moment, hoped and prayed for this moment, and even in a small way dreaded this moment. What lie ahead was unknown and dangerous.

What will he be like? Will he have changed? Will I recognize him? Will we become another casualty of this war? What do I NOT know that he will tell me? What will I NOT know that he WON’T tell me?

All of my thoughts were at a standstill the instant I heard boots hit the pavement. Thoughts didn’t matter now. All that mattered was the one pair of boots that were mine. His.

The uniforms all blended into one solid swatch of desert camouflage that kept him too far from me to connect with. I couldn’t see his face in the midst of the overwhelming volume of the busy pattern effectively distracting my attention and making me light-headed. I was dizzy as it was, and the swirling neutrals weren’t helping me to regain my balance. We were all standing on top of the bleachers to get a better view of our respective soldier.

My eyes scanned the audience for the entire thirty minute ceremony… only settling on his face five minutes before the end. I had actually begun to wonder if he didn’t make it back with the group until my best friend, Katie, pointed him out to me.

He didn’t wave. He didn’t look. He was just focused straight ahead, like most soldiers do, as if there was a tunnel immediately before him and the only thing he could see was in the light at the end of an immense distance. He had fought his battle, never thinking he would actually make it home.

When the ceremony was over, we were on the edge of our seats, ready to leap up the second we were given the go-ahead to run straight into our loved ones’ arms. But, we should have known better. If military ceremonies are one thing, they’re too long. All we wanted to do was to talk to them, touch their faces, and we were being held back by an invisible brick wall.

I have never been one to follow the ‘rules’, and at this moment I was ready to cast my fears aside and run up to him without permission. What could they do, tackle me and drag me out of here? I thought. I was past the point of caring what would happen. My eyes were on the prize.

Thankfully, the announcer prevented me from making a fool of myself.

“YOU MAY NOW JOIN YOUR SOLDIERS AND WELCOME THEM HOME!”

I don’t think half of us even heard or processed exactly what he had said. All we knew is that everyone else started running, and we followed suit.
Big days like this had a tendency to all run together, and my goal would be to simply put one foot in front of the other. I wondered if everyone else felt the way I did.

Pushing through the crowd, seeing familiar haircuts, uniforms, hats…. It was exhausting and overwhelming. My heart was racing so fast I was sure it would explode…. Unless…..

There he was. I had waited so long to see him. He looked strange. Different. I didn’t take to him as I thought I would. I was actually afraid. Very afraid. His face was pained, but he was trying to smile. His words didn’t fit with his stance and expression.

“Hey girl.” he said with a hesitant smile.

“Hey.” I returned a smile, except mine was my typical wide grin.

I tensely walked up to him and he wrapped me in his enormous arms. It had been a long time since I had been hugged in this way. That made me feel better. I relaxed. He kissed me briefly, and I let go.

*********************

I was having a moment of cuddle time with my sweet baby, one I treasured. My whole body was electric and alive with love at the source of its energy. The feeling was radiating out of me in a beautiful way. This is the most enjoyable feeling of motherhood – to look at what your body produced and to love it with more than your mind, but your physical self as well. It is an endorphin rush that cannot be duplicated.

Interrupting this feeling was an unexpected image. It was small, distorted and glowing white, bleached from the summer sun streaming in through the tiny basement window directly overhead. I was sitting in an armchair, holding my month-old son and looking into his eyes for what seemed like the first time. It was a rare moment where I actually saw and processed what was in front of my face. In his eyes was something I hadn’t seen in a long time; something nearly foreign, but at least unfamiliar. It was myself. The light shining on my face made me glow in the reflection of his perfect newborn eyes. Where had I gone? It was painful to think about the last few months and what had happened. It was almost impossible to wrap my head around it. I kept wondering if it had all been a dream. It was so awful, it certainly was too difficult to accept the reality of what was before me now. Their father did not care about them.

My daily life as a mother was not unlike I had always dreamed it would be. Caring for my children and demonstrating my love for them in a practical way from morning ‘til night was like breathing to me. So natural. So pure. What I could never had anticipated, though, was how desperately alone I felt in my tasks; maybe it was because I was… I was utterly and completely alone.

When William was born, I would cherish the times at night just before bed when I was able to tell Max all about my day with our darling little boy. We called it “Rose Time”. It was not uncommon to only see him for two or three hours a day, as work kept him busier than we had ever dreamed. Moments alone were rare and painful, because we knew that our time was always slipping away.

Now, I only had myself to recount the milestones of our children, the remarkable traits he and the boys shared even though the distance prevented any contact with them, and with the amazing journey of motherhood I was now experiencing in a whole new way. These are things that you can’t just discuss with your parents or with a friend. They are deeply intimate and often times quite revealing – something I just wasn’t going to talk with someone else about only to have them give me a blank stare. Max would understand – or at least, he would have tried. Now things were too convoluted to make any sort of impact in our personal relationship, so I would have to make do with talking to God.

Sitting in my favorite chair, I reclined it all the way and stared off into space with my towel on. That scalding hot bath was just what I needed to relax my body, but my mind was buzzing. With heavy-lidded eyes – I needed to sleep after a full day of crying and contemplating suicide. I decided I couldn’t go to bed. Not yet. Bed meant dreams, and dreams meant torture. Seeing his face every night, and watching him inside my mind on yet another escapade. I was an unwilling fly on the wall in the life I imagined he had. I decided instead to let the pain consume me for what I had hoped was the last time. If I was lucky, I would be able to go to sleep after this. If I got what I really wanted, I wouldn’t experience this level of pain ever again. However, if the trends of my recent lapses in judgement were to end, I would have to let go of the one man I had ever truly loved. The one person who had single handedly built her up, and had crafted her spectacular fall.

How did I get here? I had my whole life ahead of me, and I gave it all up for him. I wanted to be a nurse. I was the top of my class. I was well loved and had the world at my feet, and I destroyed every relationship in my life for the sake of my love for him. I had fallen in love with a desperately flawed man, whose imperfections were magnified by his experiences in the war and in life away from the bubble he grew up in. I am penniless, a mother of three and divorced. He didn’t love me ENOUGH. He had chosen someone else. He had moved on. NOW what was I supposed to do?

I learned this year about the importance, no… the necessity of caring for ourselves first. Don’t get me wrong – our responsibilities are sincerely important to meet, but sometimes, we just can’t be super mom.  As a mom of three children under two, beautiful, active, healthy little boys, I could clearly see how easily someone could lose themselves in caring for their children. My kids’ well-being is always on my mind, but in order to be the kind of woman that they would be proud of, it took a careful examination of the balance of my life to become a thoughtful, responsible mother. Seeing who I am on the inside, what I wanted out of life…. Even things as simple as what my favorite food was – all things that I had neglected since my first pregnancy – left me feeling hopeless and empty when my husband chose to move on just a month before the twins were born.

There are a few things that I learned, through trial and error exclusively, that got me through the most difficult year of my life. I made a handy list, so I could frequently turn to it when I was too emotional and broken to think for myself…

I never thought this day would come. In the darkest days of my divorce, when the twins were 6 months old, there would rarely be a day that I wouldn’t want the world to end. To never have to wake up to endure the emotional pain I was being put through. Those of you who truly *know* me understand that when I say, “what I went through” – it means going to hell and coming back again.

Of course I hung on and held on to hope – as I’m still here. My children’s needs were more important than my pain. I was so UNBELIEVABLY busy with the three of them, I didn’t have time to give up. I’m still thankful that I’m here after everything I went through, because if I would have given up, I wouldn’t have been able to reap the incredible feelings of elation I’m currently experiencing. I’m not just surviving. I’m thriving!!!

News as of late:

I decided to go half-time in school. I take courses online, so I can stay home with the kids during the day, and I’m taking World Religion and Cultural Diversity. Two of my very favorite subjects to fulfill my very last requirement for my associate’s degree program (A.A.), and another one for good measure and to expand my mind. In looking through the books, I know that I am going to grow a lot in my knowledge of others this semester! For me, learning is my lifeblood. I have an overactive imagination, and if I don’t have something to sink my “intellectual teeth” into, I wither. This is step A in my path to happiness at the moment. It may seem like too much for me, but it’s actually very manageable. I stay up late doing my homework, which I would be doing anyway because I have to pull “door monitor” duty outside of the kiddos bedroom. They tend to wake up at around midnight EVERY night trying to escape to the kitchen and make trouble. This has gone on for 4 months… and they still refuse to be squelched.

This action has created a feeling of accomplishment, and gives me concrete short-term goals. It keeps me going and encourages a forward momentum in my quest for self-improvement and true independence.

I am working out three days a week. I got a membership to my local gym, and it has an option to get an “unlimited” childcare card. This allows me to take them in up to two hours a day, every day, and I get to work out in peace or just sit there with a book in the cafe. I go to a group spin class (which has the sweetest spin instructor I’ve ever had!) or work out on my own. I even managed to run a 10 minute mile for the first time in my LIFE!

This has had the single biggest impact of anything I’ve chosen to do lately. I have TONS of energy, which helps me keep up with the kids during the day, I’m happier thanks to the endorphins running through my body, and I’m looking leaner than I have since I completed a “Body Challenge” at the gym with my mother after having the twins. WIN, WIN, WIN.

Third, I’ve developed the blog a little bit more. I’m constantly making small tweaks and improvements, and I’ve enjoyed the positive results. I’m now on Ms. Single Mama’s (www.mssinglemama.com) “Approved List”, a successful single-mom blogger in her own right (hence, the snappy little button ——> ), and am featured on the homepage of singlemothers.org. I actually jumped up and down when I found out about each.

Here is a static image of the users who have viewed my blog in the last fifteen days… amazing! To think that even one more single mom can feel less alone as a result of me sharing my triumphs and follies is an incredible encouragement to me… let alone thousands!!!

The attention has made me more committed to putting quality content here, and has caused me to think more deeply about situations that would be helpful to my readers to hear about. It has also helped me to think with a different kind of thorough attention about choices I make and how I view myself – both of which have helped me to have an approach to my life that allows me to be authentic and less worried about the opinions of others who are not in my situation.

I love your feedback, so keep it coming! I have gotten so many wonderful letters and emails… they have been a great encouragement, and I hope I was able to be encouraging in return!!!

Things are changing, and I’m grateful for the feeling of pure joy that I hold in my heart. I was hurting so badly for two years, and I never thought I’d see the end of it. I used to dread waking up in the morning and thinking, “Oh, great… the day begins. It’s only 16 hours until it’s over and I can sleep another day away.” Now, I wake up in the morning… and the first thought that pops into my head is, “What am I going to accomplish today???”

Instead of sitting around waiting to be asked on a date, I’ve put myself out there. Tried. Failed. Tried again.  Struck up converstation at hardware stores, the market, the gym… anywhere I find myself kid-free for the moment. If things seem great, I offer them my card with my number, and ask for theirs in exchange if I feel REALLY good about how the conversation went, leaving one ball in my court.

I’ve met some great people, and I’m so glad that I’m finally losing the “I’m not good enough,” or “no one will date a single mom” attitude. There are millions of us out there. Dating. Living. Moving on. It’s a mindset. If you view yourself as less valuable than you are, that’s how you will be treated. I refuse to accept that my love live is over. I am a good woman, with so much to offer, and my sons deserve a “real dad” that will be a part of their lives. They’re pretty awesome, after all.

You may ask yourself, “Why are guys SO AFRAID of single mothers?”

Let’s examine this.

Do we bite? Nooooooo.

Do we smell funny? Nooooo.

Are we one-eyed green ogres? Noooo.

What exactly is wrong with them? Why don’t they see the many benefits we have as women, and as partners… aside from the fact that we have children?

The answer: They aren’t. The right ones, anyway.

Some intelligent men actually realize that there is a PERSON behind the title “Mom”, and that they make pretty amazing partners.

I’ve discovered that it’s losing the fear of failure that enables success.

JUST ASK. What’s the worst thing they can do… say “No?” I can guarantee they’ll be flattered, even if they don’t pick up on any of your advances.

So, instead of constantly looking at all my faults, all my “baggage” as some people call it, I am building myself up to a realistic view of myself. Just because I’m a single mother does NOT mean that I won’t find someone amazing, who is a great match for me, a great partner, a great father. Instead of listening to heartbreak radio, I pick songs that are all about being fabulous and fun. I dance around the house getting my routine done, and am so energized when I’m done… I have a nice little bounce in my step. Looking at the plus side of what I’ve been through:

1.  I’ll survive. When life throws its worst at me, I’ll bend… but I won’t break. Ever.

2. I’m a good mother. When it counts, I put my kids first. But, I’ve learned to take time for myself to keep “me” healthy.

3. I have learned the value of hard work and perseverance, and will work hard for what I really believe in.

4. I’m loyal. Even when my marriage was falling apart, I gave him every opportunity to make it work. No stone was left unturned. When things go badly, I’ll do the right thing. I’ll fight for truth, and for what is good.

5. I know how to run a household, and did so successfully. Breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table every day, laundry hung in color-coordinated order… the works.

6. I’ve seen marriage at its best, and its worst. I know what to look for and what I want. I won’t string anyone along that isn’t for me. I’ve seen what happens to a heart that is broken and I refuse to do that to anyone else.

So, I may not be a freewheeling single girl with no attachments or responsibilities, but if a good guy is looking for someone true and loyal, as well as a dedicated partner, I’ll be there. In the meantime, I can wait patiently for the one that God has for me… if it’s in the cards.

In the last month, I’ve limited myself to an hour of “fun internet” a day. By the end of February, I want to reduce it to 15 minutes (Except Netflix, which I hope to see at least a movie a week! I’m not a saint! LOL).

After spending two years nearly completely house-bound, I’m getting cabin fever in the worst way. I love being home with my children, but I love coming home to it after a fun-filled day even MORE. This involves several sacrifices on my part, some of my sanity, a little extra cash and some steely courage included on that list. But, after going to the gym a couple of days per week (THANK YOU UNLIMITED CHILDCARE CARD!!!), I am feeling more and more capable of managing my kiddos out of my house. Small steps.

Instead of just “surviving” my days, I’ve started really enjoying time with my kids more. Spending time with them actually “WITH” them. Singing silly songs, dancing, telling pirate stories, building awesome lego castles… even just sitting with them on my lap on the floor. Anything that makes them smile seems like a good idea to me. I’ve noticed a lot of improvement in their attitudes and behavior. Their diet is healthy and natural, and I’ve been introducing even more veggies and fresh foods, which has also improved their moods and leveled out their blood sugar (resulting in less crazy/crash behavior). The reduction of sugar has been the biggest change for us, and that has helped me out a lot in managing their boy behavior.

Reducing the clutter in my home has been one of the biggest life changes propelling me, as well. I’ve been going closet-to-closet, room-to-room in an effort to streamline my daily living. I’ve gotten a large pile into the garage to take to charities and friends, and I’m looking forward to seeing THAT disappear! I want a picture of the pile before I do, though – in an effort to remind me of what even a little time away from my necessary tasks can create. BIG MONSTER. It will be much more easily managed with less time online.

How much are you willing to un-plug? Do you feel that internet access can sometimes create a “reclusive” personality in those with a tendency to be shy? Do you feel it’s affected our society negatively?

NO!

She posted this great story about our emotional state, and I feel it’s applicable for everyone.

ESPECIALLY SINGLE MOTHERS, AND ESPECIALLY ME!!! I have so much going on in my life that can turn negative, but with the right attitude, I can even turn THAT around. She sets a timer for how long she allows herself to WALLOW in her current misery. BRILLIANT! Feel it, experience the hurt, work through it and GET OVER IT!

I hope this helps y’all as much as it helped me. Of course, I incorporate God into the equation, too, and add “crying out to God” into my routine. After re-focusing on my priority, the Lord, my whole day turns around!

~Erin

Dear Flylady…

…I’ve taken your 15 minute system and applied it to other things as well. The one that has really saved me is this…. when something happens and I’m feeling sad or blue about it – I set my timer for 15 minutes and really WALLOW. “Woe is me, how terrible” and I try to really get ridiculous in the self pity. Then my timer dings and I have to get the heck over it. So far I haven’t made the full 15 minutes before laughing at how silly I’m being. Then I get up and go clean something for 15 minutes.

A good friend got some very bad news – her husband had had his hours reduced at work. She was really feeling sorry for herself and called me to complain. I set my timer and told her “Okay, you’ve got 15 minute to wallow and then you have to get over it” so we spent 15 minutes down in the dumps. The timer dinged and then I set it for 15 minutes again. We spent the next 15 minutes (and then some) coming up with a plan for her to make it through.

You really CAN do anything for 15 minutes!!!

Thank you for showing me how!

I’m not one to shy away from looking at myself through a CLEAR lens, not one doctored up with either rose coloring or a dark cloud to obstruct the negative. I feel like I’m pretty realistic about both my strengths and my weaknesses.

Weakness: Being overly emotional.

Strength: Being tender enough to feel joy or sorrow when others cannot.

Weakness: Being overly energetic, to the point that it annoys people.

Strength: Having enough energy to keep up with my three boys and to get through the day.

Weakness: Being a dreamer.

Strength: Making my dreams become real.

Weakness: Writing stories in my head during real-life situations often distracts me from reality.

Strength: Learning to be an interesting storyteller.

In the year to come, I hope to become increasingly comfortable with who I am, and learn to accept my weaknesses as well as my faults. We can try to change certain aspects of ourselves, and fail miserably, because it simply is not WHO WE ARE. I want to magnify my strengths and live my life with joy and purpose, knowing that I am capable of handling what is ahead of me, because I have already successfully dealt with the challenges behind me.

Some small goals I want to accomplish in the New Year:

1. To finish my Associate’s Degree in the spring (finally). *On my way… just one class left to meet my goal!*

2. To be even greater at ease with being alone. *This will be a work in progress.*

3. To make new friends. *Going to a new mommy group to find some kindred spirits.*

4. To attend a singles Bible study and get to know more people in my situation. *Found one, and my first time attending will be Jan 6!*

5. To have courage to speak up and go after what I want. *Again, a work in progress.*

6. To make working out a 3 day a week habit. *I’ve been going to spinning on Wednesday, now to find a Monday and Friday schedule!*

7. To streamline my daily life and my cleaning system. *On my way! I got some laundry hampers and other organizational things over Xmas to help my cause!*

I am on my way to a happier, better version of what I have been given, and I am truly excited for the year to come!!!